Isn't She Knocked Up Yet?

So I feel that it’s time to address a certain issue with everyone. One that has become quite the topic of discussion lately. Here is the answer to everyone’s questions…

No. I am NOT getting preggers anytime soon. And No, I do NOT WISH to be preggers.
Here’s something that y’all need to get…I am a selfish person. I have always been a selfish person. I am an only child (technically) and it kind of comes with the territory. I actually really LOVE being selfish. I guess you could say it looks good on me. I wear it well. Whatever. My point is that when you become a “mommy” (even the word makes me cringe), you have to put the little bundle of poop first in your life. And let me be honest, I’m not altogether certain that I’m capable of that. I mean, have you ever met a child? If you think I’m selfish you should meet a six-month old. Seriously. Talk about having absolutely NO regard for other human beings! Now I’m not saying that I won’t wake up one day and decide to change my mind…that’s a woman’s prerogative, isn’t it? But until that day you all need to STOP asking me that disgusting question…
“When are you and Chris going to have a baby?”

Gross. Every time I hear that question I nearly vomit in my own mouth. And yet you people keep asking. As if I’m some sort of freak for being married a whole five years and not feeling the pangs of desire to be a mo… (you know, the “M”-word). Call me strange, but I just don’t think it’s fair to be bullied into having a baby just because I happen to own a uterus. I mean, do you people plan on being the ones to wake up at 12, 3, and 5:30 am to feed this screaming beast? Do you plan on coming over three times a week to watch the little monster while Chris and I go out to dinner? Are you people going to be the ones to forfeit YOUR play-money to buy diapers? To find yourselves coming home from a friday afternoon shopping excursion toting Baby Gap and Children's Place bags instead of Nordstom and Pottery Barn? And allow me to paint you a little picture…
Do YOU want to be the unfortunate discoverer of a booger (yes, a booger) on your cream colored casz-chic couch that you saved up for for months? Do you? Because I, sir, do not.

So in closing I want to make it very clear…I don’t hate children (well okay, maybe a little). There was a time when I would have told you I couldn’t wait to have a child. Chris is praying that I’m just going through a phase…and that I’ll just snap out of it one day. And maybe I will. That would be just like me. But it will happen when I am ready. Not when you all decide that YOU’VE waited long enough. The spawn will come along eventually. I’m personally looking in to just waiting until we’re 55 and then adopt a nice, independent, respectful, independently-wealthy young 25 year-old who has an innate desire to take care of us when we’re old. I think we’ll call him Clayton…